SO. It’s been a bit quiet around here. Where have I been?
1. I decided early this summer that I needed to cut back on voluntary Internet commitments, since my web design work requires me to spend a good chunk of most days online. Online, or at least in front of a screen. I figured the kids needed to see me spending less time staring at a screen and more time being a human. And while I could explain to them the difference between “frivolous screen time” and “work screen time,” I’m not sure it makes much difference when the result is “please wait 15 minutes to ask me about multiplying fractions and move on to a different subject if you can’t figure it out, because I need to finish this one thing.”
2. I’m slowly clawing my way out from underneath a pile of work-related commitments, fearing that I am making nobody happy and everyone impatient with me because various constant changes in our family’s schedule, etc., have made it more difficult for me to do the things I said I’d do. I’m starting to feel human again but it’s been several weeks since I felt like I could take a break from working to do something non-productive, non-mom, non-house, and just relax for a bit. Which is dumb, because then I’m overtired and stressed and not effective at anything I’m doing, but there you have it.
3. We have had a lot going on; my husband has transitioned to a new job that he enjoys quite a bit and that I think will be a good fit for him, but will also put him perhaps a bit more in the public eye. Not, like, cameos in the Avengers movies, just – you know. I have an unusual name. If Googled, I worry that my online reputation as “wacky juggler of messes and mayhem” might reflect poorly on him. It could be argued that posting this on the Internet might also be problematic, but – well, whatevers.
4. So then I have switched into “observer mode” on almost all social media, not commenting, not Tweeting, not Facebooking, except checking those things when I need a quick break. It’s funny how it’s totally not rejuvenating in any way to check in on what everyone else is thinking. Because the thing is: everyone, at least everyone I imagine on the Internet, has extremely strong opinions about every aspect of my life. They just haven’t told me to my face, because they don’t know that I think (insert stance on controversial issue) or that I do (insert innocuous activity reflective of my tastes) or that I watch (insert every stupid police procedural or spy show on television, because it is good late-night company while working). But they’re expressing those opinions, all the time, on the computerwebs.
I’m not any better. I go around thinking I’m some ball of even-temperedness and light, and then someone tweets about watching Love Actually again and I feel it surging through me, the overwhelming desire to respond “oh, I just can’t stand that movie. UGH.”
5. Also, when you go a long time without posting anything on, say, your blog, you start to worry that you need to post something that would be worth people’s wait, the two people still reading said blog. That can be stressful.
6. You know, like – you can’t even come up with a total of seven takes.
7. So, I’m going to try something even more dumb, which is to turn off comments and just write when I feel like it, and try not to care what people might think of me and whatever choices I’m making. That sounds ominous. Right? Really, I just mean that I want to be able to sort out my thoughts about things like:
- being a working mom and owning a business
- interacting with people as a business owner versus as a mom versus as a general human
- being open to having more kids but it just hasn’t really worked out that way
- being Catholic, like so super-Catholic, y’all
- intrigue behind the scenes at the Vatican JUST KIDDING REALLY if I never read another speculative piece about what the Pope is signaling and where the world is going it will be too soon
- ranking the top police procedurals and spy shows from the past five years
- not my kids, because they’re getting old enough that I don’t think it’s right for me to be trotting out their lives onto the Internet, frankly
UGH see what I mean?! Every single statement on that list could make someone feel really super-offended, like my choices are a comment on their values. I need to stop trying to anticipate every possible reaction to what I might write and just…write stuff.
OR, and I don’t mean this as goodbye-cruel-world, but maybe I should just shut it down for a while and focus on writing, not blogging CRAP I JUST OFFENDED BLOGGERS THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT I JUST MEANT FOR ME NOT FOR YOU. YOU’RE TERRIFIC.