I Am Not Going to Swim Across the Pool Today: A Partial Catalog

(Guest post by 5-year-old)

Pronunciation guide: “pewl” for “pool,” “f” for “th” and vice verftha. Avoid use of sing-song voice in favor of ADAMANT ROARS.

I am NOT going to swim across the pool today.

This is NOT a pool-swim-across day.

I am NOT going to swim like you said, because I am just a little boy and I don’t know how to do big things.

Little kids cannot do things and I am just little and cute and I am NOT BIG.

There are SHARKS in the pool. I don’t want to be a dolphin; I want to be a shark. Dolphins are bad!

I am NOT swimming across the pool because the pool is too cold, too hot, and too warm.

You are NOT my coach today you are just a mom and I am NOT GOING to SWIM.

My coach is NOT in charge NOBODY is in charge just MOMS but I am NOT A SWIM TEAM BOY!

Yeah, but I want there to be lava in the pool.

Yeah, but I have never even seen a volcano!

Yeah, but it is a long time since we went to France I want to go to France NOT TO SWIM LESSONS I AM NOT GOING TO SWIM.

Yeah, but I already have a trophy from baseball; trophies are not for me.

Yeah, but I want asteroids to come and destroy the earth and there be NO MORE POOLS.

Yeah, but then the meteorite will come and fall in the pool and make all the water splash out.

Yeah, but I don’t need to swim because I live on land.

Yeah, but I do not need to get a treat for swimming because I DO NOT NEED TO SWIM.

Yeah, but Superman doesn’t have ONE arm, he has TWO arms to push off and he can FLY and he’s a SUPERHERO and I am just a LITTLE KID who does NOT NEED to push off the side of the pool.

Yeah, but Superman is not real and alive on this earth.

Yeah, but I can’t swim like a T. Rex because T. Rexes just have small arms and they can’t swim because they have small arms like this.

Yeah, but there are no dinosaurs on swim teams.

Yeah, but I will swim across the pool tomorrow, not today.

Yeah, but I will swim when I am six.

YOU were being THEFEETFUL because you stepped BACK and I had to swim to the WALL and you made me swim too FAR.



You lied!



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  1. Fred says

    Ha. When this came up in my feed, I thought it was from McSweeney’s. Nicely done!