How’s the Paleo thing working for me? Allow me to introduce you to my Imaginary Life Coach. I can’t afford a real one.
IMAGINARY LIFE COACH (ILC): So! It’s been a big week for you.
ME: Yes! A big big week! Such a week! So exciting!
ILC: Let’s talk about this change you’re embracing. You’re reexamining some patterns with regard to your food choices, and you’ve decided to go on the – Paleo diet? Is that right?
ME (eyes shining with glory): Yes! It’s going to be great! Eat cow like a caveman! Corn is death! I don’t even feel hungry!
ILC: I see. And so – it looks like (consults notes) – it looks like you – told the Internet?
ME: YES! The Internet is full of friends and ideas and recipes! So many comments! It’s going to be great! I don’t even feel hungry for the brownies! I’m on Pinterest!
ILC: Right – so, the brownies. You’ve got a Tupperware container on top of your fridge, full of brownies – but that’s okay, because you –
ME: Don’t even feel hungry! Don’t even want one! It’s going to be great!
ILC: Let’s hold that thought and look at some of the other things you’ve got going on right now. You say you also decided last week to ditch the diapers for your potty-trainee.
ME: Can we talk about the brownies? Or, rather, how I don’t even want one? I want to focus on the positive.
ILC: Right, and that’s such a good approach when we are making major changes, but –
ME: It’s not a major change. It’s just, you know, I mean, I’m just not eating bread or pasta or corn-based things, or sugar, not even agave nectar, which is fine – I mean, this is what I’m saying about how it’s not going to be that difficult, because I don’t even understand where to buy agave nectar. So it’s really going to be super-manageable and fun –
ILC: We were talking about the potty training.
ME: (clinches jaw)
ILC: I mean, would you say that’s been – at all stressful?
ILC: I’m going to respect your space on that one but – looking at this list – you’re telling me you think you can stay up until 1:45 in the morning –
ME: I’M A NIGHT OWL. I NEED MY TIME TO FOCUS.
ILC: Please, let me finish – you think you can stay up until 1:45 in the morning –
ME: I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO CATCH UP ON PLUS USA NETWORK SUMMER PROGRAMMING IT KEEPS ME FOCUSED
ILC: And, uh – you’re telling me a roach jumped on your foot?
ME: THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT.
ILC: This space we’re in isn’t about assessing blame, it’s about confronting our obstacles and –
ME: THERE ARE NO OBSTACLES BECAUSE I AM A CAVEMAN AND I AM SICK AND TIRED OF POOPY DIAPERS. CAVEMEN DON’T WEAR DIAPERS.
ILC: I –
ME: THERE IS ALSO SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY CAR.
ILC: It’s – making a noise?
ME: IT WAS MAKING A NOISE AND THEN A TIRE WENT FLAT ON THE INTERSTATE AND IF MY HUSBAND HADN’T BEEN THERE I COULD HAVE BEEN MURDERED BY PIRATES BECAUSE ALL I HAVE IS BOOK SMARTS AND THEN WE SPENT THREE AND A HALF HOURS AT THE CAR PLACE AND I DIDN’T HAVE ANY LUNCH
ILC: Could you lower your voice? You’re alarming my other clients.
ME: (muffled sobbing)
ILC: Can we come back to the brownies? What do you think it says that you hung onto them, despite supposedly not even wanting a brownie?
ME: THERE ARE NO BROWNIES. ALL GONE.