Chekov’s Brownie ~ A continuing experiment in wellness, now without brownies

“If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it’s not going to be firedit shouldn’t be hanging there.”

Anton Chekhov (From S. Shchukin, Memoirs. 1911.) (via TVTropes.org)

How’s the Paleo thing working for me? Allow me to introduce you to my Imaginary Life Coach. I can’t afford a real one.

IMAGINARY LIFE COACH (ILC): So! It’s been a big week for you.

ME: Yes! A big big week! Such a week! So exciting!

ILC: Let’s talk about this change you’re embracing. You’re reexamining some patterns with regard to your food choices, and you’ve decided to go on the – Paleo diet? Is that right?

ME (eyes shining with glory): Yes! It’s going to be great! Eat cow like a caveman! Corn is death! I don’t even feel hungry!

ILC: I see. And so – it looks like (consults notes) – it looks like you – told the Internet?

ME: YES! The Internet is full of friends and ideas and recipes! So many comments! It’s going to be great! I don’t even feel hungry for the brownies! I’m on Pinterest!

ILC: Right – so, the brownies. You’ve got a Tupperware container on top of your fridge, full of brownies – but that’s okay, because you –

ME: Don’t even feel hungry! Don’t even want one! It’s going to be great!

ILC: Let’s hold that thought and look at some of the other things you’ve got going on right now. You say you also decided last week to ditch the diapers for your potty-trainee.

ME: Can we talk about the brownies? Or, rather, how I don’t even want one? I want to focus on the positive.

ILC: Right, and that’s such a good approach when we are making major changes, but –

ME: It’s not a major change. It’s just, you know, I mean, I’m just not eating bread or pasta or corn-based things, or sugar, not even agave nectar, which is fine – I mean, this is what I’m saying about how it’s not going to be that difficult, because I don’t even understand where to buy agave nectar. So it’s really going to be super-manageable and fun –

Brownie

ILC: We were talking about the potty training.

ME: (clinches jaw)

ILC: I mean, would you say that’s been – at all stressful?

ME: (REDACTED)

ILC: I’m going to respect your space on that one but – looking at this list – you’re telling me you think you can stay up until 1:45 in the morning –

ME: I’M A NIGHT OWL. I NEED MY TIME TO FOCUS.

ILC: Please, let me finish – you think you can stay up until 1:45 in the morning

ME: I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO CATCH UP ON PLUS USA NETWORK SUMMER PROGRAMMING IT KEEPS ME FOCUSED

ILC: And, uh – you’re telling me a roach jumped on your foot?

ME: THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT.

ILC: This space we’re in isn’t about assessing blame, it’s about confronting our obstacles and –

ME: THERE ARE NO OBSTACLES BECAUSE I AM A CAVEMAN AND I AM SICK AND TIRED OF POOPY DIAPERS. CAVEMEN DON’T WEAR DIAPERS.

ILC: I –

ME: THERE IS ALSO SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY CAR.

ILC: It’s – making a noise?

ME: IT WAS MAKING A NOISE AND THEN A TIRE WENT FLAT ON THE INTERSTATE AND IF MY HUSBAND HADN’T BEEN THERE I COULD HAVE BEEN MURDERED BY PIRATES BECAUSE ALL I HAVE IS BOOK SMARTS AND THEN WE SPENT THREE AND A HALF HOURS AT THE CAR PLACE AND I DIDN’T HAVE ANY LUNCH

ILC: Could you lower your voice? You’re alarming my other clients.

ME: (muffled sobbing)

ILC: Can we come back to the brownies? What do you think it says that you hung onto them, despite supposedly not even wanting a brownie?

ME: THERE ARE NO BROWNIES. ALL GONE.

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Comments

  1. Tamara says

    EXACTLY.

    …Now where’s that box mix I was looking for….?
    *rummages through pantry full of not so paleo friendly foods bc those, remarkably, all live in the fridge/freezer*

  2. says

    Oh my gosh, this whole thing was a scream, but “I COULD HAVE BEEN MURDERED BY PIRATES BECAUSE ALL I HAVE IS BOOK SMARTS” really put me over the edge.

  3. says

    Its okay! There’s no better time to start over than when the brownies are gone and you’re stuffed to the gills!

  4. says

    Your first week being Paleo is so much more hilarious than my three months of being gluten free. Laughed the whole way through and made up for the fact I have no gluten free brownie mix in the house.

  5. says

    Laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. Okay, not really, but it does covey the level of my enjoyment. The biggest thing I’ve learned trying to go Paleo? Meat: I don’t love it so much.

  6. scotch meg says

    Oh, my! You made me laugh and I needed that so badly! I will even share MY current dilemma, which is not at all funny, in hopes that it will provoke some wisdom or at least a glimmer of hope… seeing as I would be HOPELESS when it came to paleo and brownies and the like. Because my family counts on me to MAKE BROWNIES and MAKE BREAD and MAKE DINNER WITH SUGAR AND PASTA.

    So, here goes. Gotta share this somewhere. Can’t call my friends (for reasons that will soon become obvious). But my internet friends won’t think I’m asking for anything but a smile and a prayer.

    I got an email a couple of weeks ago asking for people to host medical students who are doing a prolife summer internship in my neck of the woods, and I thought, well, there’s that extra bed in my daughter’s room, so if she’s OK with it and my husband’s OK with it, why not offer? (And maybe they’ll only have boys anyway.) Lo and behold, they have a girl. Or rather, I have a girl.

    Then come the complications. She is arriving by plane this Saturday. Why is that a complication, you ask? Well, because my older daughter is coming home on business for a week starting on Friday. And my husband’s parents want to see her. So my husband came up with a wild scheme to visit his parents for Father’s Day weekend, leaving Friday evening. And when we get back on Sunday my daughter will be here for the work week. So this poor med student from out of the area will arrive on Saturday with no car and no host, and then when the host finally arrives, she will have no bed. And my husband doesn’t think she should be staying in our house all by herself before she has even met us. And the one darling friend whom I could ask to put her up (because she is a darling single lady who doesn’t have to worry about Father’s Day) is going away for the weekend to help her brother with his dementia-afflicted wife (because that’s how darling she is). So… just say a little pray that I manage to un-paint my way out of this corner, please!

  7. says

    Do you understand how mad I would be at you, about this post? With all those pictures of brownies? Except that Elizabeth Scalia wrote about popcorn earlier today, causing me to make some, and in my decision to serve popcorn for dinner, I also let my daughter bake brownies to go with*. So I had mine before you posted. But otherwise, I would be very, very, angry. Temptress.

    *She took out the biggest pan. And tried to make a single batch. I told her she had to double it, or it would be a giant brownie crisp. She obeyed me. So that makes me a good parent, because my child obeys me, right? Even if it means using up an extra box of brownie mix.

  8. Andie says

    Now I am craving for brownies now and I guess I should try baking my own recipe this coming weekends.. Thanks for the yummy post!

  9. says

    I am a new reader, and I just had to comment. a) This is hilarious! such great writing. b) We recently went paleo, and it is NOT easy. And I haven’t had to deal with poopy diapers or flat tires. Or pirates. Something that has helped a LOT is that we do allow ourselves fruit. Hey! IT’s summer! And right off the bat I researched some paleo treats so that if we really got cravings, we could have stuff, but in a paleo friendly way. We’ve had chocolate chip cookies, pancakes, biscuits, and scones. Next up — you guessed it – paleo brownies. All that to say – hang in there! You rock, person I only know cuz I’ve read your blog for a couple of weeks! Wooooo!

    • says

      Hey, thanks! And welcome! I broke down and discovered a fairly palatable paleo brownie in a mug recipe and that’s getting me through the rough patches. But I definitely have not banned fruit! I also eat some dairy. I might try to get even more serious about things but for now I’m sort of easing into it.

  10. says

    Dorian, You’re coming the big New Media thing in Texas, right? I’m gonna smack you. Mug cake recipe. I’m ruined. Or, I don’t know, I guess it’s all healthy things that I’m trying to eat more of, so maybe I’m saved? Is it okay to live entirely on mug cakes and black coffee? Because I think I could. I am very close to trying it right now.

    • says

      The only mug cake I ever made wasn’t gluten free, but it was molten in the middle, so that should count for frosting! I just pinned yours, so I’ll try it when I’m weak. But bananas are too carby for me. I have to stick to 95-5% for weightloss. Or higher. :-/

  11. says

    What does the Paleo diet say about fruit? I guess I could just look it up, but I figured you probably have already done tons of research – Taubes is strict about it, but that’s not exactly Paleo, right?

    • says

      I think it kind of depends, and I also know that I am using “paleo” rather loosely to mean “things I read in that Taubes book or Mark’s Daily Apple or a blog.” So…no, that is not exactly tons of research. It’s generally focused on eating vegetables with fruit as an occasional treat, I would say.

  12. says

    Thanks for sharing, Dorian. I have tried and faltered and tried and faltered with this Paleo thing for awhile. I commend you for telling the Internets! I’m too afraid to do that…

    Peace to you,

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