What graces flowed this weekend at Mom’s Day Away!
I admit: I originally came for the celebrity friend encounters. “I’ll get to meet Hallie, and Rachel, and Kate, and Simcha, and Danielle, and Pat, (and there will be some talks and stuff), and I’ll get to see Melanie and Jen and stay with my friend Scotch Meg, and we’ll all hang out after the retreat, and it will be so relaxing…”
But, of course, it was much, much more. I’ll be reflecting on the three talks by Danielle, Jennifer, and Rachel in later posts, but my overall feeling about the conference is one of tremendous gratitude for the chance to spend time with these wonderful women and to really confront some questions I’ve been shoving under the carpet like yesterday’s Legos.
The two-by-four that whomped me on the head, epiphany-wise, was how much my own failure to nurture a real-life support system here has been hurting me and my family. I’d hear speakers and fellow guests say things like:
“I got on the phone to my sister and told her…”
“In talking to my spiritual director, I learned that…”
“At our women’s prayer group, we have been discussing…”
And my knee-jerk response is: I don’t need any of that soft-focus waterfall women’s sharing times stuff. It doesn’t matter. I’m an only child, I’m used to being a lone wolf…ess, and none of that stuff really matters.
Sure, I am far from my family, and homeschooling’s been very isolating, but it doesn’t matter.
Okay, so we’re moving again and I’m going to have to start from ground zero with making friends, but no biggie. It doesn’t matter. I’m good at saying hi to people. It’ll be fine.
So I have no babysitter or local help with the kids, but it doesn’t matter. Whatever. I don’t care. I don’t care if my husband is gone for work all the time. There’s nothing I can do about it, so I just don’t care.
There’s no point in acknowledging my lack of a support system, because it doesn’t matter, because if it matters, then I might feel all the more stressed out once I admit this is a problem. Ergo: it doesn’t matter. Not a problem.
In fact, it’s probably best to further pull back from the friendships I’ve made and tug those little roots right out of the ground, because then it will be easier to start from scratch.
Nothing really matters. That’s serenity, right? Accept the things you maybe cannot change, then simmer? IT’S NOT LIKE I’M BITTER OR ANYTHING.
You probably do not need me to spell this out, but: WRONG. I am neither a rock nor an island.
More thoughts to come, particularly on the topic of how comparing ourselves to other women can tear us down in so many ways.